Hullo? Hulloooo...

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

TO OFFICE WORKERS WHO MAKE PERSONAL PHONE CALLS

FROM THEIR DESKS

I appreciate that a work environment can, at times, be soul-sucking.

And time-sucking.

And life-sucking. 

(Yeah. I'm on to something with the suck factor here. You know it.)

Now, it's not always... but some days are just sub-par.

It is with this understanding of sub-par-ocity that I come into this conversation not wholeheartedly vexed, but admittedly somewhat muddled.

You see, I'm slightly confused how you can have so much time during your day to make phone calls that have absolutely nothing to do with your employment.

I mean, sure... I've calculated that about 20% of your time is spent micromanaging your neighbors. A rough approximation, to be certain, calculable only based upon the number of minutes I've wasted waiting for you to explain - in infinite detail - how I can arrive at the answer to a question that would take you only seconds to share.

The other 80% of your time spent here, based upon the numbers I've crunched, are spent on the phone, specifically for things that have nothing to do with your employment.

Of course, sometimes there are exceptions to the "Keep Work At Work and Home At Home" rule. I've been known to step out into the parking lot and field a call with my bank or my doctor, who work only the same hours that I do. On those occasions, of course it's necessary to step away from work and take care of business.

But there's a key factor there I think you might be missing:

Step Away.

I understand that some establishments certainly make scheduling difficult. But when I'm listening to your third iteration of a question regarding your sweetie's next check-up, it starts to wig me out. Honestly, after all the chatter I've heard from you, it's a wonder I can't perform the appointment myself. I feel like you're talking about my besty with whom I've been taking baths together since we were in diapers, so in-depth are the details I can provide to her health.

I also understand that having children in school can be difficult, because school hours are often within working hours. So, on occasion, of course you'll need to spend time talking on the phone with their teachers or even with them to make sure progress is progressing progressively. But when I'm listening to you listening to your offspring babble animatedly about using the blue crayon to color the sky, and then the green crayon to color the grass all while I'm elbow deep in actual work carnage, it corners me into wanting to do terribly unkind things to you with those very crayons. And then your kid would be sad, because one cannot be an artist with rectally entombed crayons.

But I think my biggest gripe is listening to you argue with your cell phone company. Or the bank. Or any other institution by whom you've been taken under contract for your living ease, only for you to make pathetic demands upon them because you cannot fathom someone doing what they do without your complete and total control over the situation.

I don't care that you've never lost your debit card before, or that you're a "model customer" at the bank. I hope they double the fee for replacing that card, and make you shell out ten bucks just for making that phone call.

Because haven't you spent that much already in taking the time to stop work for half an hour just to argue with them on the phone?

I mean... you've certainly wasted that much of mine, disrupting my day with your shenanigans.**1

RaYD,

Sunny

**1 It should be noted that I realize how this makes me sound like a snoop and an eavesdropper. The case, my good ReaderFriend, is exactly the opposite I'm afraid. The conversations are so animated and noisy that they are impossible to ignore. Were I capable, I would auditorally block this individual altogether: It would be totally worth it not just for the phone calls, but for the completely disgusting gargling of post-nasal-drip upon which he imbibes so frequently.

And it makes me gag every time.

Every. Blasted. Time.