Thursday, June 28, 2012

Black Market Beverages

Public Service Announcement to the Ample Chested Cleptomaniac

I understand that smuggling drinks is tricky business. You have to wait for just the right moment - when the local Patrol isn't looking - and make your move.

However, perhaps there's a better way to go about retrieving your loot than to hug it tightly to your chest. You see, as a Woman of Moderate Proportion, you have chest aplenty to hug before you load yourself down with pilfered whistle-wetters. Almost anything would work... Might I suggest a small basket, a la Red Riding Hood?

I only suggest it because, as you're clutching your bosom and squeaking "It's falling! It's falling!", you leave me little choice but to giggle and watch you sort yourself out.

Because, really, what else could I do? Rush forward and make a grab for it?

Right. That could only end well.



Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Let 'Em Have It


I found this blog post half-finished in the archives from before we completed our office move last year. I read through it, hoping to find a little nugget that would help me post something witty and clever instead of the sleepy snark I'm eminating from my personage today. But as I read through, I realized that I had been putting together this post on a day not unlike today. I was exhausted. I was frustrated and I really wanted a nap. But I managed to unearth this little tidbit about... Well, you should read it and find out.

But I'll tell you, it made me feel a little better hoping that there's some of this radiating my way today.

You all are certainly doing your part just being here. So thanks for that. :)


December 6, 2011

So, there isn't much time for a long post today. But I wanted to post an update.

We're packing and getting ready for M-Day this week. (That's Move-Day, in case I was being obscure.) It's been a long, stressful process. Tempers are short and it's hard to keep a positive outlook when there's StressAPalooza going on.

So I'm going to do something I typically don't:

Use someone else's words.

Let me precursor this with a short explanation:

I'm a sap. I like thinking happy thoughts. I like watching movies with sweet and happy endings. I like fuzzy kittens and fluffy bunnies and my teddy bear. (And especially Boyfriend of Amazingness, for putting up with all this sicky-sweetness.)

So every week I get e-mails from a relatively well-known author of Romantic Fluff that are brimming with happy fuzzies.

Today's e-mail talked about 'The Benefit of Doubting.'

The Benefit of Doubting

by Michael Webb

Several years ago a minister from the United States went to visit one of his denomination's congregations in Africa.  When he got up to the pulpit to preach he noticed by the style of clothing that members of one of the local tribes sat in the front of the room while those from a different tribe seemed to be forced to sit in the back.

Knowing that there is much tribal animosity in the country, the minister scrapped his notes and began preaching about unity... and how we are to love our brothers. After the condemning sermon, the visiting minister sat down and the local pastor leaned over to him and stated "Our members sit in different sections out of much love and respect for one another.  In our culture, it is our way of showing honor to the visiting tribe by giving them the best seats in the church."

Had the preacher not jumped to conclusions, he would have saved himself from humiliation and from offending the church members. While he might not have had the opportunity to ask why they sat apart before his sermon, he could have certainly done so afterwards.

How often do we make the same mistake in our relationships?  How do you think your relationship is affected when you allow yourself to get bent out of shape over what appears to be a rude waiter, a slothful co-worker, an insensitive pastor or an uncaring mate? 

Consider the following scenario.

You call your wife at home during your lunch break to ask her what she's making for dinner.  She snaps back "I don't know.  Gotta run. Talk to you later."  and then hangs up.

Instead of going the "Jumping to Conclusions" route, let's play the "Benefit of the Doubt" game.

Could it be that:

1.  She is planning a surprise dinner for you and didn't want you to know about it.  She got flustered at your call thinking you might be on to her.

2.  Little Johnny is throwing up on the persian rug, lunch is burning on the stove and someone is knocking on the door.

3.  She has awful cramps, a blistering headache and you woke her up from a much needed nap.

4.  She is on the other line with a relative calling from Sri Lanka at $3 a minute.

5.  She is right in the middle of a really good episode of Jerry Springer (if there was such a thing).

When you arrive home you lovingly ask your lovely wife why she hung up on you so quickly.  If her answer matches one of your "Benefit of the Doubt" possibilities, you win.  If it doesn't match, you still win because you didn't sit in judgment of her all afternoon, brewing over the fact that she was a little curt.  And best of all, you open a dialog of communication so hopefully any misunderstanding doesn't happen again.

Athena and I like to play this game when we are out around town. We come up with some great explanations why the Toyota SUV just cut us off in traffic, why the cashier practically ignored us and why our friends didn't return our calls.  Most importantly, we try to do the same when we are confronted with potential "Jumping
to Conclusion" situations in our relationship.

Sure, we still fall back into our condemning and judgmental ways from time to time.  But we are working at it.

If you find yourself regularly getting frustrated, angry or even furious at others, it is possibly because you haven't considered the benefits of doubting.

Today I can think of four instances when I was overly curt. Not getting enough feedback from a repeat-offender of Withholding Information... Needy requests from someone seemingly incapable of taking care of themselves... Situations keep popping up and I keep handling them badly. Within the land of the Stressy McStressers, I need to keep my head on straight, my panties un-bunched and my nose to the grindstone instead of bent out of shape.

After all... losing your cool is what Evening Commute Angry Music is for.

Have a Sunny day, ReaderFriends.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Greetings, Greetings...

Public Service Announcement
Perhaps I've got hold of the wrong end of the stick. Please correct me if I misunderstand you, but when you say "How are you," what you're really looking for as a response from me is silence so as not to impede your headfirst propulsion into your demand for my action. Because I certainly can't tell you how fabulously my day is going in the thirty nanoseconds you allow for my report.

Perhaps it would behoove us both to dispense with this frivolity of conversation? It seems equally pointless for me to waste valuable moments inquiring after your well-being when I could instead commit them to chasing your constantly-moving target. Especially since the highest response you can afford is a half-hearted smile and a nod in my direction as you hasten away.

Really, I'm not that scary. And sometimes I even smell nice.


Friday, June 22, 2012


Public Service Announcement
Regarding 'High Importance' E-Mails

HOLD YOUR HORSES. Put down the phone. Push away from your keyboard. Close your mouth and sit still, for goodness sake.

You’re communicating my brains out. And to what end? 
I saw your e-mail marked “High Importance”

Worst. Button. Ever.

about some cockamamie issue that you - Grand Poo-Bah Crieswolf Allatime - has escalated to a CRISIS OF EPIC PROPORTIONS. And now, because of this earth shattering conundrum, I'm required to drop everything and settle you down.

If I didn't do that to your liking, I'm terribly sorry.

However, the appropriate chain of events here would be:

1) Indulge in your crisis.

2) Allow me to settle the crisis for you as you pace about my office making helpful comments about how I should do your job.

3) Move on.

The appropriate chain of events is most certainly never:

1) Indulge in your crisis.

1a) E-mail me about your crisis

1b) Call me to tell me that you e-mailed me about your crisis.

1c) Ignore my statement about "handling another situation right now" in favor of summing up your e-mail over the phone.

1d) Walk into my cube and proceed to pace back and forth in the doorway until you see me check your e-mail.

2) Allow me to settle your crisis for you as you pace about my cube making helpful comments about how I should do your job, and (while you're at it) how I should do my own job when I get back to it.

3) Walk back to your own cube to find an e-mail from someone else involved with your project; the verbage in which completely negates my entire involvement.

Believe it or not, I'm desperate to send you some communication of my own.

Respectfully as You Deserve (RaYD),


Thursday, June 21, 2012

Desperate Measures

Dear Custodian,

I thank you wholeheartedly for all you do. For realsies - My maternal unit was a custodian for a time, and I know it's grueling (often thankless) work. I appreciate that you keep the food situation under my desk at a minimum so that livestock doesn't take up residence. And I appreciate that you conquer my trashcan on a nightly basis. No small feat, I know.

However, there is one topic of conversation I would like to bring up:

Toilet paper.

I am familiar with the Custodial Arsenal of Tools. So I know that, along with your Keyring of Epic Unlocking and your Awesome Mop Bucket with Water Extractor, you are also equipped with sharp objects. Pointy objects. Things that can make clean incisions at a moment's notice and without terrible to-do.

So perhaps the next time you install a fresh roll of toilet paper**1, you could whip out that handy little Object of Sharpness and start the first sheet cleanly. Because, honestly... there is nothing more infuriating than that obnoxious little adhesived piece that I must claw at like a monkey rabid with desperation in order to attend to what must be tended. I'm not getting anywhere with a shredded pile of tacky two-ply.

Thank you again for being made of awesome.


**1 Not that I'm complaining about that, mind you. I think you are the BEST at that, and I thank you for your diligence in keeping our supply ever-ready for any emergency.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

When In Doubt...

Dear Sunny,
Yes, I agree. Twirly skirts are the awesomest. There's nothing like the swish-swish-swish of swirly fabric about the knees. It's almost scandalously fun. And on a hot day, you'll be glad for any excuse for air flow.**1
HOWEVER... be careful. EngineerFriends can be more observant than you realize. You never know when one might peek out of his conference room mid-audit and catch you "doin' the hokey pokey or whatever that is."
And then he'll show you his interpretation of your twirling, and he'll do it with a giggle.
Have you ever seen an EngineerFriend shake his groove thang? With a giggle?!
Well. You have now.
P.S. - That skirt makes your legs look great, by the way. Flaunt it.
**1 - Look out for Thighs of Increased Stickiness, though... It's an unfortunate side effect of skirt-wearing. Not a dealbreaker - not by a longshot - but definitely something you don't want to be caught adjusting on a sweaty day. Or... you know... ever.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Snack Time

Dear Rolly-Chair,

Holy shmibbins, you are thorough!

For a moment, I thought that frolicking blueberry that traipsed out of my snack tub (and then rolled down my leg) was going to escape all the way under my wall and into the next cubby.

You took care of that, though...

One would think that you would just push it out of the way, like you do with everything else I drop.... Especially things that I want to run over, like Cheez-Its that would make an ever-so-satisfying CRUNCH at your Wheels of Doom.

But no... a blueberry - which is round and totally roll-able, by the way - will become so entangled in your rolling wheel casing that it will  smear my mat with a blood trail gory enough to raise questions about the apparent slaughter of my desk-dwelling faerie and resultant picture smeared out of her oozing entrails. And it will so thoroughly coat the mat and the wheel that no amount of scrubbing with tissues or Clorox wipes will stop the stickiness.

Really, you're inspiring. Job well done.

With Admiration,


Monday, June 18, 2012

Get Your Tickets...

Dear Passerby:
Thank you so much for noticing me as I scratched the back of my neck. I do, in fact, take great pride in being the Svelte Sunny that you know and admire. Additionally, I'm so glad you were here for the Gun Show, as I was totally flexing and being vain and definitely not attending to the tickly hairs caught in my necklace. Thank God you were here to look on, because I wouldn't have wanted to waste such an awe-inspiring display on an empty room... even if, as you say, there is "never a bad time to show off those pipes."