Dry Heaves

I have a whole lot of brain bile going on right now, ReaderFriends.

I have to preface this post with this statement:

I try hard - damn hard - to be a pleasant person.

I try to smile.

I try to make jokes.

I try to be outwardly gracious to individuals in my sphere of influence.

But sometimes there are people to whom one simply cannot be pleasant.

I am forced into circumstances with a small handful of those individuals.

Now, most of them really don't care that I cannot be pleasant to them. They're grumpy in their own day-to-day lives, so my grumpiness in their presence just absorbs into their general aura of negativity, and as long as I can raise my chin afterwards and simply move on with my day.

But others...

Others make it their duty to be hateful, to be rude, to gossip without fact-checking and to generally be horrible individuals. And when I respond by distancing myself, I am portrayed as the hateful, rude, ignorant and hateful individual.

That infuriates me.

It infuriates me to tears.

Today it was brought to my attention that someone with whom I must interact frequently thinks my distance is "comical." Apparently it's chuckle-worthy that I have decided to save myself emotional turmoil by separating myself from them.

But unfortunately, the emotional turmoil saved by distancing myself has only been compounded once their comments were brought to light.

I hate being hateful. That's why I make an effort not ever to practice hatefulness.**1

But more than that, I hate being falsely portrayed as hateful.

It makes me want to lash out - to ask just exactly what they think they're doing. I want to ask if they're so self-centered that they're convinced I cannot possibly be distant because I want to keep my personal problems personal, so I can't share with them as they're an ignorant gossiping asshat.

I want to spew venom at them until they curl into a ball and leave forever.

I want to tell them how hurtful they're being, to see if even the tiniest flicker of remorse might

And it makes me want to go home and hide until everyone forgets about everything, and I can return to the world without a shred of information being known about me, and I can start up a new life with fresh anonymity and without anyone saying "Oh, you're the one who _______."

So, with that in mind, I post this:

Sunny's Top Ten Reasons For Staying Home (Or Going Home)

1.) A wave of tidiness has swept over me, and I must stay home so I can Clean All The Things. I'll be back tomorrow when I'm slobbish again.

2.) A wave of productivity has swept over me, and I must stay home because this is quite possibly the only time I'll ever feel like finishing that damned lace-knit scarf. I'll be back tomorrow when I'm sluggish again.

3.) A wave of exhaustion has swept over me, and I must stay home because I simply refuse to pry myself out of bed. I'll be back tomorrow when I'm not completely apathetic to the plight of the world.

4.) My hair is excitable today, and I don't wish to subject the public to its shenanigans. I'll be back tomorrow when it's boring again.

5.) There is not a single shred of clean clothing in this house for me to wear, and I must either stay home or show up naked... so I won't be there today. I'll be back tomorrow when I'm tidy again.

6.) A wave of creativity has swept over me, and I must stay home because I'm about to write a novel. I'll be back tomorrow when I'm devoid of personality again.

7.) Boyfriend of Amazingness has the day off, and it's entirely possible that my absence from our shared domicile will lead him to have every ounce of fun and I'll miss it all. I'll be back tomorrow when there's nothing better to do at home.

8.) My dog is taken with a fit of the sillies, and I don't want to miss that fun either. I'll be back tomorrow when she's sleeping lazily on the stairs.

9.) The world is making me grumpy, and I've run out of stickers, and I cannot possibly face humanity without stickers. I'll be back tomorrow once I've bought more.

10.) Someone is being hateful, and I want to spit lemon juice in their eye and run away like a child instead of confronting them and making peace like an adult. I'll be back tomorrow once I've grown up or gotten over it.

**1 Don't get me wrong. On occasion, hatefulness leaks out. But I guarantee you... the guilt and sadness of post-hatefulness is so not worth it.

UPDATE: I originally penned this at lunchtime. I specifically waited until afternoon break to re-read, tidy up the edges and then post. I'm happy to say that, while I'm still not pleased with how this situation has played out, I'm not about to confront anyone. I've resigned myself to the fact that, sometimes, hateful people are just hateful. I'm not going to have a world full of adoring fans - even Santa Claus has to deal with disbelievers. If he can do it (and stay jolly all the while), I've got nothing to complain about.

By tomorrow, it's all going to be okay.