I Never Thought...

I don't remember where I saw the book that noted "Things I Never Thought I'd Say Until I Was a Parent."

But it was exactly what it sounds like, and it was comedy gold.

Within its pages, parents had noted utterances they never expected to pass their lips until they had offspring who started pushing boundaries and learning about the world around them.

Or maybe it never really existed at all... maybe it's only in my mind. A hodge-podge of different executions of the same concept. Like the web page created by a fellow Educator of Organized Religion, where we noted phrases we never thought would come up in a Sunday morning class. Things like "Yes, sweetheart, that's a very fine sword. But it doesn't belong in his tofu box." (Mentioned during a Halloween party, wherein a ninja was terrifying a large box of tofu. Yeah... the context doesn't make it sound any less crazy. But we had fun!)

Anyway.

Having thus far remained childless, I hadn't the need to deploy any oddly-phrased requests in my day-to-day life. I mean, sure... sometimes I have to say some awkward stuff to my EngineerFriends to keep them in line. But nothing really, truly out of the ordinary**1, and nothing in my own home.

That is... until the Young Master joined our ranks.

He's been with us for just a few days more than a full month. And every single day has been full of "Honey, look what he's doing now!" and "Aww, aren't you just the cutest when you [snuggle in daddy's armpit] [have peanut butter all over your face] [insert typical puppy activity here]..." and "No. NoNoNoNoNo. That is not how we treat [the coffee table] [new insect friend] [mama's arm]."

But on occasion, a form-letter response isn't what the situation calls for.

On occasion, I say Something I Never Thought I'd Say, Until I Was a Parent.

   10.     Oh, oh dear. No, honey, I'm sorry... You killed the bug. You can't play with bugs after they die.

    9a.    Sweetheart, don't lick Daddy when he's in the shower.

    9b.    Okay... hold still, please. Lets get those icky bubbles off of your tongue.

    8.      Oh, honey! Did your fart scare you?

    7.      I don't know what you just fished out of the couch, but spit it out. We don't eat couch treasures.

    6.     Could you not with the teeth, please?
    5.     Honey, if you don't belong in the refrigerator, then your tennis ball doesn't either.

    4.    No, no, no... it's okay, sweetheart. Look! There's no other doggy in the oven. See? Just you!

    3.    Seriously?! We're in the car! What did you find that crunches?! Stop crunching!

    2.    There's room for exactly one tongue in my mouth, and yours isn't it.

    1.     I'm going to die in this burrito of hell**2, smothered by body heat and dog kisses. But at least I'll die happy and loved.

**1 At least, not since the licking incident.

**2 A phrase I coined whence my two male counterparts undertook sleeping upon either side of me on top of the comforter, while I was underneath trapped by their body weight on the blankets and the overwhelming body heat emanating from each party.