When I was in seventh grade, I had to write a paper on dihydrous monoxide. It was some intense research - I had to cover the chemical composition, uses, and (most importantly) its lethal implications. Dihydrous monixide is a killer. It's found in every serial killer's brain... it's found in most poisons and toxins... It's found in the wounds of sharkbite victims and the saliva of rabid dogs and it's virtually undetectable by taste or smell. Lethal stuff, ReaderFriend. Lethal stuff indeed.**1
That paper, written almost exclusively for the practice of validating resources and verifying facts, taught me a valuable lesson during my childhood: That the internet is not 100% based in truth. Additionally, even facts can be cleverly phrased to sound exaggerated or understated to fit the author's needs.
It seems it's time for me to give that practice a try again.
(The checking-my-sources practice. Not the exaggerating or understating practice.)
Since the month of November last year, I started listing daily holidays and observances on my cubicle white board to pass the workweek. It started around Thanksgiving with a little survey - questions about favorite types of pie, and how far one drives, and all sorts of exciting things to personally connect with coworkers during the holidays.
As the actual holidays drew to a close in January, I found myself running out of holidays to celebrate and thought that was sad indeed. Instead of watching the festivities draw to their inevitable close, instead I started researching holidays to post on my white board. I stumbled across a website called www.cute-calendar.com, and found a wealth of information. It was just the resource I needed to keep my whiteboard up to date with the latest and greatest on World Popcorn Day and Independence Day (Lithuania) and all the other important dates that needed noting so as to avoid that unfortunate post-holiday crash back into reality.
Of course... I had some reservations. After all, the basis of the Cute Calendar was www.wikipedia.com - a website that, for all its readily available information, isn't super on-point about its accuracy.
For instance... I missed "National Cookie Day" because it wasn't noted in Cute Calendar.
And then, another day I missed "National Chocolate Day" because it wasn't noted either.
But the nail in the coffin of cute-calendar.com for me happened just this morning, as I was planning out what we would celebrate this week.
March 11th would be Youth Day in Pakistan. That sounds like a worthy date, and something that should have attention brought to it.
March 13th would be Popcorn Lover's Day. Boyfriend of Amazingness is absolutely batty about popcorn, so that day I'll head out and pick up some gourmet snacks to lavish upon him for dinner that night.
March 14. Oh! It's Pi day! But, wait... Pi Day isn't noted as the most important date on March 14 on www.cute-calendar.com. It's second in line. 'Second to what,' you ask?
"Steak and BJ Day is a holiday celebrated one month after Valentine's Day. It was founded because Valentine's Day is a made up holiday for women and vegetarians; so it is only fair that there is an equivalent holiday for normal people.
The idea is simple: there are no cards, flowers, candy or other overpriced fluff. Partners need only to bestow their man with a steak and a BJ. But not necessarily in that order. And not necessarily only once that day." - www.cute-calendar.com
A made up holiday for women and vegetarians.
So made up, in fact, that there is a need for an equivalent holiday for normal people.
Now... I have my reservations about Valentine's Day. In fact... I think I've stated them once or twice. I don't love the idea of being told that I need to express my emotions because the calendar says I should. I think I should express my emotions whenever I feel them - specifically, all the time. I'm in love every day with the man whom I've chosen to put up with me for life. I'm in love every day with our life together, so I tell him every day.
But that doesn't mean that some folks don't need a reminder on the calendar. I've got friends and relatives that adore Valentine's Day, and make a big deal out of their significant other just because it's February 14th. And, in the past, I've been in relationships where Valentine's interjected romance into my life during the long dry spell between Christmas and my birthday. Sometimes it just needs to be written down. Besides - if we can celebrate St. Patrick's Day with getting absolutely fockered, I think it's okay to celebrate St. Valentine's Day with getting fat on chocolate and maybe getting some sexy rumpus.**2
And [brace yourself for this revelation, my dear one...] women - and vegetarians - are normal people, too.
(Don't let the chestal appendages and the penchant towards brussel sprouts put you off. We eat... We breathe... We even poop. And, honestly, vegetarians might even do that better than "Normal People," because they get all that extra fiber.)
It was only after much angry thought that I noted the irony of the holiday, ReaderFriends. "Valentine's Day is a made up holiday..." the writer lambasted. But then, "It's only fair that there is an equivalent..." So, essentially, the writer would like his own made-up holiday. Easy enough! I, Sunny Smiles, am willing to acquiesce this:
March 14 shall be henceforth and hitherto known as STEAK AND BJ DAY - the day where all the poor sad-sacks who are toxically trapped by their girlfriends/mothers/overbearing cats get their recompense for the gifts they bestowed on February 14. But I would like the day to come with this caveat:
It was only after much angry thought that I noted the irony of the holiday, ReaderFriends. "Valentine's Day is a made up holiday..." the writer lambasted. But then, "It's only fair that there is an equivalent..." So, essentially, the writer would like his own made-up holiday. Easy enough! I, Sunny Smiles, am willing to acquiesce this:
March 14 shall be henceforth and hitherto known as STEAK AND BJ DAY - the day where all the poor sad-sacks who are toxically trapped by their girlfriends/mothers/overbearing cats get their recompense for the gifts they bestowed on February 14. But I would like the day to come with this caveat:
An Open Letter to Those Who Celebrate Steak and BJ Day Because "It's Only Fair":
Dearheart, maybe next year you ought to spring for a nicer box of chocolates. Or a new partner-friend. Perhaps one who thinks - as most do - that Valentine's Day is for everyone to shower a little love over everyone else, in a big chocolate-filled flower-scented orgy and not just for Normal People to be held in a societal obligation to the Women and the Vegetarians of the world. It is my fondest hope that this, in turn, will leave March 14 open for the fruit-filled pastries of highest import... and saves you a month of evenings spent alone, quietly plotting how you'll trick your next ladyfriend into wrapping her face around your crotch.
And I follow up with this:
An Open Letter To
The Female Counterpart of The Poor Sad-Sack Who Came Up With "Steak and BJ Day."
Don't do it, nice lady. You don't owe him anything.
Respectfully Submitted,
Sunny Smiles
**1 Dihydrous Monoxide, written out as a chemical compound, is H2O.
**2 This.
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